My Confession

   So I haven’t written in two weeks, and there's a reason for that. I’m going to tell you that reason, and in that this post is going to be a bit of a confession.
  

  I just had a roughly two-week long anxiety attack. Things are not going well at work, and a very close friend of mine had a bit of a..... “spat”, with me. Now, these should be meaningless, insignificant events in the timeline of my life on Earth, but they were magnified by about a thousand these past two weeks.
    This is where the confession comes in:
    For the first time in three and a half years (that’s how long I’ve truly been walking with The Lord. I told you. I’m a baby.) my faith was shaken. Altered, even. See for a while now, my daily reading has been exclusively of the Old Testament and Revelation. If you’re not familiar, these books are a tad different than the New Testament. I’ve read the N.T. in and out, particularly the Pauline Epistles, but I’ve always purposely avoided Revelation because, literally, I was afraid. And I just never read the Old testament (outside of Bible study or anything that isn’t necessarily voluntary) because, honestly, it’s boring (or so I thought). Also it’s not exactly an “easy read”.
    SO. This time after I finished Jude (the last book in the N.T.), I thought, “Ok Ariel. You’re ready. Read Revelation ya sissy.” And you know what? It did exactly what I thought it would! It freaked me out! That, coupled with God in the O.T. telling the Israelites not to eat yeast and to make all this stuff in gold and yada yada..... all of a sudden I found myself saying, “God? Are you someone else? Are you NOT who I thought you were?” And I freaked. Out. Without my rock, my foundation, I no longer could handle minute earthly concerns like a scuffle with a best friend or a stressful work environment. Those things can’t faze you when your mind is set on the eternal, but when your eternity suddenly seems altered, nothing is bearable. With Him anything is possible. Without Him, nothing is.
"'If you can?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.'"
Mark 9:23
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

  So, I began to self-medicate. I took bubble baths and went on runs (if you know me, you know this is serious. No one hates running more than I do). I smoked cigars and drank my favorite wine (not in excess. I’m not advocating alcoholism!), and although it was all comforting, it was also all temporary. Fleeting. And then, after the first week, I met with Courtney. We went for coffee, and I told her everything. Guess what?? She had had a terrible week too! But neither of us had reached out. We just played the lonely game and tried to drown in our own tears. The second week (though still difficult) was exceedingly easier because of Courtney. She listened to me, prayed with me, and most importantly, encouraged me in the faith. It wasn’t until I took the “self” out of my of my medication and replaced it with.... what’s that term Christians like so much?.... COMMUNITY.... that I was able to finally catch my breath. God gave me Courtney for a very specific reason, and I’m forever grateful for her.
"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
Romans 10:15 (Every inch of Court is beautiful!)
"Instead be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs."
Ephesians 5:18

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another."
Hebrews 10:25
   

   To sum up my very long story, I’m better now. I’m not where I was before these two weeks, but I don’t think I’m going to return there. I think that our Father is taking me on a new path in our walk. That’s what he does. We are not meant to step onto a stone in the path and remain there-stagnant. We are always growing, always changing in the faith, becoming more like Him and less like us, praise God. I now know that God is not a different God in those books. But He does have very many attributes, and I’m only just beginning to learn what they are. He is revealing Himself to me, and I will stand firmly in my faith with open eyes and an eager heart.
"The apostles said to The Lord, 'Increase our faith!'"
Luke 17:5
 


   God is a God of peace and order. I am a girl of chaos and anarchy. God is faithful. I am not. And I find immense peace in that. For, to quote my beloved Winnie-the-Poo, “I am a bear of very little brain.” I’m so glad to know my Savior is not. And He loves me anyway.
"If we are faithless, He will remain faithful!"
2Timothy 2:13
"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
2Corinthians 1:9
"Therefore we do not lose heart!"
2Corinthians 4:16
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
James 1:2
"The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2Peter 3:9